


I Have You

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-02-06
Packaged: 2018-01-11 08:57:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1171167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas contemplates who deserves to be saved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Have You

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in Purgatory, before Dean finds Cas.

Does associating with evil make oneself evil?

Given our lives, our jobs, it makes sense that I am uncertain of the answer. Not one of us has managed to refrain from actively participating in something sinister. My dealings with Crowley, you torturing in Hell, Sam's ingestion of demon blood. And all of that barely touches the surface. So, it makes sense, I believe, that I would often ponder how these actions would affect our souls. 

Well, Sam's and your own souls. I suppose it is fruitless to wonder over the state of something I do not even know if I have. But that is neither here nor there. I am not asking you if you believe I have a guiding force in me to tell me right from wrong. I am asking you if we are worth saving. 

Humanity is worth it. I am certain in that belief, as I know you are. You are the one that made me have faith in humanity. You are the one that convinced me humanity was something worth fighting for. So, of course, I hope that you will be saved from all of this. That the fact that you, a single human, could restore faith in an angel of the Lord, completely by accident, is worthy of whatever reward the truly good get when they move on from this life.

Because you are, Dean, truly good. The fact that you have delved into the world of the condemned does not mean that you belong there.

I cannot believe my Father would be so cruel as to deny you the reward of rest for your weary soul. Forgiveness of your sins. He grants it to many much less worthy than you. You fight so hard, Dean. So much harder than anyone else I have ever known. You have sacrificed so much. Even when surrounded by filth and betrayal, you stay firm in your belief that it is worth it. You continue to fight for humanity even when humanity has done nothing but hurt you. How could anyone say that you do not belong amongst good?

Dean. You do not belong in the company of so much that you despise. I cannot believe that doing evil deeds for a good reason can be truly evil. Hell is full of good wishes and desires, I believe is the phrase, but surely those who have given so much, as you and your brother have, deserve to be saved.

But, then, is it hypocritical of me, to believe so surely that you and Sam deserve everything and I deserve nothing? I am certain you would think so. You have always been so quick to forgive those you care about even when they have wronged you. But I am not someone worth caring about, Dean. I have betrayed you, lied to you, and broken you. You, the one thing I believe in. I do not deserve your care.

That does not mean that I do not cherish it. Love it. Wish to envelop myself in your concern; drown myself in your attention. So few have entered your life, been let in, and managed to stay, Dean, that I find that your affection makes me feel rather special. I find that I quite enjoy the feeling. Relish in the knowledge that I am needed.

And not just needed by anyone, either. Needed by you. Dean Winchester. So much more than just the righteous man. You are everything to me, Dean. It took me an exceedingly long time to realize. To acknowledge that it is probably abnormal to think of one's charge constantly. To wonder what they are doing all of the time. To stare into the abyss of an endless universe and only wish to be on Earth with a human. To try to recreate their face directly from memory, including each and every freckle and the exact hue of green in their eyes, because you miss seeing their face. To hope they were missing you as well. 

But now I have to hope for something else, something more. I hope that you are absolved of your sins, Dean. I hope that whoever sees fit to judge you will not judge you too harshly. Will not look down upon you because you have scraped through the mud of Hell and demons and barely come out alive. I hope they see that you belong on pillars. Not to rule, but to be admired. Not to be worshipped, but to be appreciated. To be cared for as good men are cared for. Because only good men give up what they need, what they love, for the greater good. And you did, Dean. You made the sacrifices. You gave it all up, as did Sam. And, now, I will, as well.

I will give up everything. My everything. Because as much as I need you, Dean, I also need this. I need to be absolved of my own sins. I need to feel like I am worthy of your care. I hate feeling like you are wasting your affections with me, an angel who can't even tell right from wrong. And now I don't have to feel that way. I can make things truly right this time, Dean. I know this is right. This is good. This time it is. It has to be. I can't keep messing everything up for you. I have to let you go.

I realize I was wrong, earlier, when I said I did not know if I have a guiding force in my life. I was wrong, Dean. I have you.

Amen.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a ridiculously long time ago in an attempt to be deep and try out writing from Cas’ point of view.   
> Fluff suits me much better.  
> I just have a lot of Purgatory feelings.


End file.
